Straight Spouse Connection

ENDINGS AS BEGINNINGS

A few weeks ago, I took a hard fall on the ice, damaging my left shoulder.  The injury was worse than I first imagined and I have had to take an extended leave from a job I dearly love, teaching fitness to seniors at the YMCA.  I’ve led challenging fitness classes there for nearly 13 years, and now I’m unable to perform, much less teach, weight lifting, yoga, and other stretching and strength training exercises.  To say that I “can’t” is hard for me.  It’s a loss, at least for now. 

But this example is minor, compared with life’s really big endings—loss of a loved one, divorce, financial ruin, termination of a job, foreclosure on a home, alienation of a child, eventually one’s own death.  The loss that you faced when your spouse came out is certainly one of these major, destabilizing changes.  However, the ensuing chaos can be the beginning of an even better way of life.

When my father died in 1991 after years of fighting leukemia, the whole family expected my mother to fold.  For more than 50 years she and my dad had enjoyed real marital bliss—they were closer and more loving than any couple I’ve ever known.  We thought mother could not survive alone.  To eveyone’s surprise, she did.  In fact, she recovered her balance and started over.  Apparently, during the years she’d nursed my dad, she was preparing herself for survival.  She made a plan.  Within weeks after the funeral, she began to explore opportunities in their little town that had gone unnoticed before.  She read voraciously—a hundred books in the following year.  She attended library lectures and joined two card groups, volunteered, and made day trips with new friends she met at the senior center.  In short, she reconfigured her life to be as rewarding as possible—despite her grief and loss.  A little stained glass saying hangs in her window:  “Every ending a new beginning.”  She modeled that for me.

As this New Year unfolds, we will experience painful endings.  What once served us may no longer fit.  Change will happen in inner and outer circumstances.  We will have to adjust to losses.  We may have to start over in a whole new direction, as my mother did.  This is not a bad thing.  It is a growing experience.  In the words of Eckhart Tolle, famed author of The Power of Now, “If you can learn to accept and even welcome the endings in your life, you may find that the feeling of emptiness that initially felt uncomfortable turns into a sense of inner spaciousness that is deeply peaceful.” 

I wish you this peace!

STAY OR SEPARATE: A STRAIGHT SPOUSE DILEMMA

 

Almost every day, letters like the one here land in my personal inbox.  They are written by women and men who have read this blog but are too wounded to comment directly on this site.  Each message is answered privately.

Because this particular inquiry is typical of so many others, I received permission to publish it anonymously for the benefit of those in similar circumstances—torn between remaining in their mixed-orientation marriages or taking the leap into separation.  This is truly a dilemma because either choice carries a cost.  I hope that my response is helpful.

I'm 41years old, married for 14 years and have two sons ages 10 and 8.  Four years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with another man. He denied, told me I was making things up, that I was crazy. He never admitted he cheated!  His modus operandi is to pretend nothing happened and let time pass so things get diluted and eventually forgotten. I never forgot!

This September he was on holidays by himself, I was back home with the boys and he went looking for his lover again. When he came back home he was sad, depressed, didn't talk more than the minimum to keep us going. All my alarm bells started ringing! I've been through this more than once and I know how to recognize symptoms.

Confronting him for the first time in 14 years, I felt he was being honest with me, although he didn’t say he was gay. He said he had an affair with that man; he didn't know why he did it; he is not gay; and that he loves me and his family and he wants to stay with me and the children.

I'm starting therapy soon but I’m afraid it's not going to help much because I don't think the therapist is going to understand, or know how to deal with this situation.

We are trying to work things out and stay together but he is going back to the old way of dealing with problems: don’t talk about them and they will go away.  My heart tells me to stay because he is a good husband, a good father and I think he’s making a genuine effort to keep us together. I do think he loves me. But, deep down, I know this relationship has ended a long time ago, not because of him cheating, but because of how he is. I'm sure he is gay but he hasn't come to terms with it himself. I know that if I decide to keep the marriage it will be for a number of years until he finally can't live this lie anymore and decides to go.  Maybe he's waiting until the boys are a bit more grown-up.  Anyway, I don’t know what to do! Thanks for " listening."

~~~

Here is my reply and her response to my request to publish this exchange:

Your situation is a difficult one because your husband is apparently in denial about his orientation.  He is torn between what he is and what he wants to be.  I think you stated the answer to your own question here:  I'm sure he is gay but he hasn't come to terms with it himself. I know that if I decide to keep the marriage it will be for a number of years until he finally can't live this lie anymore and decides to go. 

My experience suggests that you are exactly right in your assessment.  If that's true, your having therapy alone won't address the real issue.  Possibly joint therapy might lead your husband to face his true sexual orientation and its implications for the future of your marriage.  But let's think about you and your needs.  Is your relationship "over" as you indicate?  If so, what will your future be if you stay together?  If you separate?  Compare the two options.  Only you can decide which is best, and you will face some losses either way.  Here is where joint therapy might support your decision. 

While you are currently on the horns of a dilemma, take heart in the fact that you are seeing the situation clearly and you probably already know what will be best for yourself and your children.  You can make a good decision.  Trust your own wisdom in this.

~~~

Dear Carol, 

Thanks for your answer. When I first found out about my husband's affair there was nowhere I could turn to for advice. I felt lonely and isolated and it felt like I was the only one going through this. I'm happy for you to publish anonymously my email. If it helps other women in the same situation to feel they are not alone some of the pain I’ve been through it is worth it.  Thanks again for listening.

~~~

The purpose of the Straight Spouse Connection Web log is to ask our questions and offer ideas to each other.  While there are no preconceived "right answers," sharing the questions can lead us to our own best conclusions. If this woman's dilemma is familiar to you, if you have struggled with these same decisions, please write a comment to share your wisdom.  We can counsel each other!

 

 

 

 

THE ART OF LETTING GO

Cheryl was married to Joe for 15 years when she stumbled onto evidence of  homosexual liaisons on their home computer.  Stunned, she couldn’t believe that he had been arranging meetings with various men for months, but a deeper look at his emails and internet history made it undeniable. 

Cheryl confronted Joe directly and he seemed almost relieved to admit his secret activities that had gone on for more than four years.  His clandestine meetings with other gay men had gone beyond superficial sex and he was deeply involved with another man.  For weeks Joe had wrestled with plans to come out to his wife and say that he wanted to leave her.  Clues he’d left on the computer were not entirely accidental.

The two subsequently separated.  During the following months Cheryl tried to reconcile herself to her new single life, alone in an apartment, trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered confidence.  She couldn’t help wondering what Joe was doing, how he and his new boyfriend were getting on.  She couldn’t forget happy times she and Joe had shared, though she tried to stop remembering.  She knew they couldn't recover their marriage, which was irretrievably broken, but she and Joe had a long history together and she still felt tied to him. 

Cheryl’s challenge was to make a clean break -- first to grasp the fact that her marriage was over, and then to distance herself enough to recover.

Stories like these are common.  It seems particularly difficult for women to let go of their emotional ties after a separation.  What does it mean “to let go” anyway?  When a gay-straight relationship ends, the best definitions of this stage of recovery come from straight spouses themselves.  Here are some suggestions from the Straight Spouse Network, gathered from people who have moved through their conflict.

Letting Go

• To let go doesn't mean to stop caring.  It means I can't do it for someone else.
• To let go is not to cut myself off.  It's the realization that I don't control another.
• To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
• To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
• To let go is not to try to change or blame another.  I can only change myself.
• To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
• To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
• To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
• To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
• To let go is not to be protective.  It is to permit another to face reality.
• To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
• To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
• To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it  comes and to cherish the moment.
• To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
• To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
• To let go is to fear less and love more.

How these definitions might apply to a particular situation depends upon the individuals’ interpretation, but the principles are sound.  These definitions point to one conclusion:  The only factor we can control is our own mind.  Change your mind and you change your life.

Cheryl managed to pick herself up by starting with small adjustments in her daily routines.  She painted the walls of her new apartment her favorite color, light sage green.  Living in a different neighborhood, she shopped at a new grocery and found a choice coffee shop in easy walking distance.  She joined a fitness class and got acquainted with a whole new group.  She stopped talking about Joe to her old friends and made a conscious effort to live in the present moment, not looking back.  She even adopted a fresh hairstyle and a more casual, comfortable way to dress.  In short, Cheryl recreated herself and reconfigured her life as a single woman.  She is moving on!

Singer Lena Horne famously said, “It’s not the load that breaks you down.  It’s how you carry it.”  That concept applies perfectly to Cheryl and other straight spouses who have conquered their grief and fears to thrive in a new way.  Letting go is the first step.

Reality Too Deep for Sit-Com

The summer premier of a new television situation comedy, “Happily Divorced,” arouses mixed emotions, particularly for straight spouses.  Fran Drescher, formerly of “The Nanny,” stars as a florist married 18 years to her real estate agent husband, Peter, who “thinks he might be gay.”  After he comes out in the first episode, their story will unfold as they remain in the same household, each pursuing social and sexual happiness with others. 

Rooted in Drescher’s actual experience with her high school sweetheart and former husband, Peter Marc Jacobson, the series could possibly offer genuine insight into the dilemma faced by mixed-orientation couples.  But the sit-com format makes that possibility remote--even though the two main characters are named Fran and Peter and the series concept is drawn from their history together.  What the series cannot express adequately is the pain of years of loss, grief, therapy, and healing that such couples endure in real life. 

Even with the limitations of TV comedy, it is interesting that these former spouses have reached an understanding which allows them to continue to work together as creative partners, though they are now divorced and living separate lives—she as a single woman and he as a gay man. 

It is impossible to depict in any comedy the searing drama of a partner’s coming out within a marriage.  That just isn’t funny!  Even with an amicable divorce or some alternative agreement that keeps the spouses uneasily together, the reality is not the material of jollity.  The best outcome after healing (often years later) is continuing friendship and an occasional wry smile about some of the ironic details.  Raucous laughter about it is rare indeed.

Reading the Los Angeles Times’ review of the sit-com’s pilot gives faint hope that the new series will delve beyond the superficial:  “Peter’s gayness is composed of gags about shaving chest hair, wanting to move to West Hollywood … and how Fran and he both like men.”  As anyone who has lived through the pain of a coming-out event, there is a lot more to talk about—like reconstructing a meaningful future for both partners. 

Surprisingly, there is an element of hope and good news here.  That is the fact that mainstream culture is becoming more aware of mixed-orientation marriages.  Shows like these offer the public a small glimpse at their aftermath.  Perhaps it is a sign of societal advancement that coming out within marriage may be material for affectionate comedy instead of grim tragedy.  However, those of us who have lived through the entire experience—from the shock of discovery through many hard-won stages of recovery and rebuilding--know that this is just not funny. 

FINALLY OUT Encourages Understanding

Many readers of this Web site are mature women, long-married, whose husbands have come out in mid-life or later.  Most have been utterly unaware and shocked by the disclosure. 

They ask, “Why did he marry me?  Was my whole marriage a sham, a lie?   Why do so many men come out after having families?  How could they not know they’re gay until they’ve entangled their wives in this traumatic dilemma?”

Such questions come up repeatedly, particularly from women whose husbands suddenly identified as homosexual after decades of marriage.  Until now, almost nothing has been written about this common occurrence.  But a new book offers well-researched, scientific and definitive answers, along with the author’s personal experience in the situation.

Dr. Loren A. Olson, author of Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, is a gay psychiatrist, father and grandfather, who came out at age 40.  Having both personal and professional knowledge of the hidden population of gay, married men, he writes with authority about evolving sexual identification—his own and that of his patients and friends.  He has presented his research on mature gay men at the World Congress of Psychiatry in Prague and has received other professional recognition.  He is a recognized expert in his field.

His new book is obviously educational for gay men attempting to live straight lives while struggling with their sexual identity.  But for straight spouses, Finally Out offers a foundation for forgiveness and understanding of our gay husbands.  Having this information can lead to the final phase of straight spouse recovery: Forgiveness.  In the blog entry “Stages of Recovery” (May 28, 2008), I wrote about our journey toward wholeness:   

Fortunately, most spouses reach a turning point, finding inner strength to begin healing.  This usually happens when they accept what they cannot change . . . .  When anger is replaced by forgiveness, trust and hope can be restored.  . . .  When they regard the whole experience as a teacher, not a disaster, they are able to move into the next phase of their lives, reconfiguring a happier future. 

Finally Out will appeal to diverse audiences:  mature gays, their wives and families, academics, and medical professionals.  It is a valuable addition to the literature on human sexuality, written in an accessible, personal way.  Dr. Olson’s informative book could become a key turning point to complete your healing as a straight spouse.  I highly recommend it.

 

 

Addictions Complicate Straight Spouse Dilemma

The complexities of a mixed-orientation marriage increase exponentially when one or both partners suffer addictions.  A recent email from a straight spouse highlighted this multi-layered affliction.  Here is an excerpt from her message.

My husband and I met over 13 years ago. . . . Twelve years later he came out to me and to many acquaintances.  At first I did not see how it could change what we had.  Now that he has been out for a few months, I am having difficulty coping with my feelings.  We still love each other, but I have lost my trust in him . . . .  I feel all alone.  We both suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.  We have over six months of recovery and are active members of AA.  That is why this all came up.  My husband was working on clearing the wreckage of his past, and his true self came to the surface. 

Addictions themselves add enormous difficulty to the problems of a coming-out event.  Two major life changes are happening at once—getting sober and revealing one’s true sexual identity.  The entire family is affected by both challenges.  While the12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has effectively helped millions recover from dependence on alcohol and drugs, working through the steps transforms people in fundamental ways.  They set out to conquer their addiction, but in the process they alter their ideals, standards, and daily life.  An elemental shift is happening, whether it is the gay or the straight partner engaged in the AA program. 

These psychic alterations further complicate their marital dilemma.  For example, AA’s Step 4 requires a deep and fearless moral inventory of character defects and wrongs done.  Step 5 demands openly admitting those wrongs to a neutral party.  Steps 8 and 9 require making amends to anyone harmed by earlier actions.  People spend months or years occupied with these steps toward sober living. 

The drama is even more complicated when both partners are in AA.  If they both fully participate in the 12-Step program, each understands the transformational process.  But if only one partner experiences this psychic shift, the mate’s alienation increases.  The chasm widens and the probability of saving their marriage diminishes even further.  Still, the indisputable benefits of overcoming a drug and/or alcohol addiction make recovery efforts intrinsically worthwhile. 

Perceived dangers to a rocky mixed-orientation marriage should not deter an alcoholic from joining AA.  Day by day, recovering addicts and alcoholics reconfigure their very lives.  Sincere adherence to AA’s 12 Steps can lead to freedom from addiction, while simultaneously mapping a very different life path.  The work involves total honesty around self-centeredness, resentments, fear, and sexual behavior.  A spiritual awakening often occurs as a person’s “Higher Power” is identified.  Viewpoint, values, and lifestyle all drastically change.  Lies and secrecy are no longer tolerated.  Minds are clear, not muddled by chemicals.  Ongoing personal assessments fuel even more change. 

At best, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, and humanitarian service are evidence of the personal growth encouraged by AA.  The downside is that the partners may grow in different directions and recovery from addiction becomes another catalyst to separate.  However, statistically, these gay-straight relationships have less than a 15% chance of survival under any circumstances, even if addiction is not present.  The most positive conclusion, of course, is to have both partners living the life they choose, clean and sober, productive and proud, whether gay or straight, single or together.   

 

THERE GOES THE BRIDE: How to Let Go

 

When a mixed-orientation pair decides to separate, the usual aftermath is a period of confusion and ambivalence.  It is hard enough to make the decision to split, but just as hard to adjust to new realities.  Once separated, how can the straight husband or wife create enough distance to allow letting go altogether?  If the couple’s separation is abrupt and hostile, this question might not arise.  But if there is still love between the two, especially if they have children to consider and protect, distancing becomes a dilemma.   

 

Two conversations with straight spouses in the past weeks reiterated the problem.  One mature gay man left his straight wife over a year ago, but they still reside in the same small town, she still lives in their old home, they see each other on the street, and her pool of grief is constantly replenished.  She says she just can’t let go.  In the other case, the couple’s separation happened just last month, and the two are co-parenting a son while living in adjacent apartments, desperately trying to keep their equilibrium.  They still care about each other a great deal, but they both realize that their marriage must end because the husband has fallen in love with his male soul mate.  The players in both of these poignant dramas are painfully confused by their conflicting emotions.

 

How can you let go of an intimate partner without blame or hatred?  How can a friendship be salvaged from a broken marriage?  It isn’t always possible, but it has been done by many who were willing to expend the necessary effort.  The Straight Spouse Network released the following description of the process.  It can be used as a guide to nurture a healthy relationship with a gay ex after divorce.  This is how it looks to let go in a constructive way.

 

• To let go doesn't mean to stop caring.  It means I can't do it for someone else.
• To let go is not to cut myself off.  It's the realization that I don't control another.
• To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
• To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
• To let go is not to try to change or blame another.  I can only change myself.
• To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
• To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
• To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
• To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
• To let go is not to be protective.  It is to permit another to face reality.
• To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
• To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
• To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment. 
• To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.  
• To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
• To let go is to fear less and love more.

 

Adjusting to a new life after an emotional relationship ends is a process that takes time.  There is a period of grief, as if after a death.  The process must take its full course or it will reappear again later.  Reconfiguring your future involves reaching out to new friends, developing new activities, and making many small changes in daily life.  Change your makeup or haircut, rearrange the furniture, try new foods, experiment with different styles of clothing, develop a new interest or hobby.  Such small adjustments may improve your mood and overall attitude toward the situation.  But the tincture of time is the ultimate healer.  Your sense of disruption will eventually fade as the new you emerges. 

Hope on the Horizon

 

 “Stages of Recovery” is one of the most frequently visited articles on this site, particularly by those who have recently discovered their mates’ homosexuality.  They are desperate to know how long their shock and pain will last and when they might hope to recover their emotional balance. 

Following the description of typical stages of recovery for straight spouses, there are numerous comments from others who have visited the site.  Their authentic experiences graphically depict varied aspects of this ordeal.  The most recent comment from "Helen" is worth repeating here because it reveals the genuine possibility of restoration.  Helen successfully reconfigured her life with courage and patience.  She has reached her goal of renewed happiness, stronger and wiser now.  Here is her story.

I'd like to respond to Trisha, because so much of her story sounds so familiar to me.  I, too, stumbled upon my ex's sexual preferences on the computer.  He never planned to tell me about it--ever.  In fact, he is still somewhat resentful that I ended the marriage because he was willing to continue to live the lie he had created. 

I feel for you, Trisha, and the pain you must be feeling right now.  I remember so clearly the agony of realizing that my family and my future was a mirage.  My ex didn't want anyone to find out he was gay for a while after I knew, and that was tough for me.  It is no longer a secret now, thankfully.  Being able to share that secret is an important step in healing, and it is one I hope you take very soon.  Just because he doesn't want to share the news with the world doesn't mean you can't talk about it with people who love and support you.  

Perhaps it will help you to see the other side of all of this. A little over a year and a half has gone by since I discovered my ex's homosexuality and he finally admitted it.  I can honestly say I am happy now.  I spent over a year on my own with my girls, building a life.  I bought a house of my own.  I struggled with all the emotions of a broken relationship.  I mourned the death of my marriage.  I grieved over the man I thought I had married, my 'best friend'.  I questioned myself for getting into the relationship without realizing he was gay.  I got angry about the years I had lost and the love I didn't have.  I cried.  I laughed.  I gained and lost weight!  I turned 40.  I leaned on my good friends and my family.  I spent a lot of time alone.  By the end of that time, I felt strong and beautiful.  I knew who I was more than I had in a long time.  I know that I am whole again.

It is a struggle, there is no doubt, but the struggle is so important.  I don't know if this will help in the darkest moments, but it will get easier.  So much of what your husband is doing probably makes this seem like it is all about HIM, but this is your life, and it needs to be about you!  You need to take care of yourself and your children! . . .

I wish you the very best in your journey, Trisha.  Just know there are people out here who understand and who are rooting for you.  I can relate so well.  I am glad you shared your story, and that you are reaching out.  This wonderful website is a great place for support. Hang in there and know that you are strong enough to get through this--and remember that you are not alone!

There is little to add to Helen’s description of her process.  She went through all the typical stages of recovery and emerged whole, healthy, and happy.  It can be done, as she and others have proven.  May all who read this achieve similar success. 

WHO GETS TO KNOW?

I thought all the issues surrounding my marriage and divorce from a gay man 20 years ago had finally disappeared or settled down, but now I seem to be smack in the middle of it all over again.

A common dilemma facing mixed-orientation families is deciding who should know and who should be “protected” from the knowledge that one family member is gay.  Particularly around holidays, emotional family issues surface.  This is An especially precarious time for mixed-orientation families who have not been completely open with each other.  Some relatives know the whole story; others don’t.  Everyone who is aware of the truth is imprisoned by the secret they carry.

 Mae is one such straight spouse.  Caught in this situation, she shared her story. It is a case study of the destructive force of secrecy in a family.

We had been married about 2-3 months, when finally, because of my constant questioning about why he didn't seem to want to have anything to do with our sex life, he told me that he had fallen in love with a man and had an affair just before he met me. 

When we were married I was a single mom with three children.  After 10 years of marriage, and one child (a son) of our own, I finally reached the stage of accepting the fact that nothing was going to change.  By that time, I was near to my own breakdown, because the worst of the whole situation was the secrecy.  I had spent 10 years unable to tell anyone why I was miserable, because he refused to come out.  When I asked if we could just agree to be celibate (we hadn't had sex in 5 years!), he refused to agree.  He refused to go to counseling.  I never felt I had the right to tell anyone what was wrong with our marriage--I thought it wasn't my place to 'out' him.  Living the lie was killing me, and that isn't just a convenient phrase.  My depression was affecting my health.

 My three daughters saw something was wrong, but I couldn't tell them.  They loved their stepfather.  I had no reason to tell anyone I wanted a divorce, but I desperately wanted out of the box I was living in.

After years of bare survival, this woman left her husband and remarried.  Her three daughters went with their mother, and the son stayed with his father.  At the time, none of the children knew the real cause of the divorce.  Mae continued her account:

This all happened 20 years ago.  Just recently my ex-husband finally came out to my son, who loves his father and has never suspected anything.  My son was shocked, and has been going through the stages [of coping] you have listed.  He finally truly understood why we were divorced, but I could sense his confusion at my silence all these years. My daughters still don’t know the truth.

All this, however, is not why I am writing here.  One of the things I warned my son about when he called and told me about his dad's confession, was to be careful not to get caught in the game of secrecy. 

Then, just a few days ago, my son called and asked if his dad could come to our Thanksgiving celebration (we've always kept our celebrations separate since the divorce).  My husband doesn't like my ex, but he would tolerate the situation if he had to.  But I told my son that unless his dad also told [the rest of the family] I was not willing to invite him over.  I think it would be horribly unfair, and unhealthy, to have this celebration with this hanging in the air.

Mostly, I cannot bear the idea of being put in the position of keeping this lie alive around my daughters when he has already told my son.  I just can't bring myself to have this charade in my house, with my participation.  Everything in me wants my daughters included and wants this life of lies that affected our family so devastatingly to be over once and for all.

My son is now furious with me, telling me it should make no difference who his dad has told and who he hasn't. This is breaking my heart, and once again I can't tell my daughters what is hurting (I told my current husband years ago).  My ex is somehow still controlling my life and separating me from the rest of my family, which is one of the consequences of keeping a secret like this.

Mae’s last sentence is the very heart of her dilemma.  Her ex-husband is still in control.  Mae feels bound to “live the lie” even twenty years after her divorce.  She still lives in his closet, trapped in the past.  She wonders if she is wrong to insist that her ex-husband must come out to all family members.  She asks, “Should it matter?”  She is questioning her own perspective and feels completely confused. 

In answer to her request for advice, several observations may be instructive.  First, there is still considerable emotional connection left in this divided family, otherwise there would be no question about coming together on the holiday.  There is thus some ground on which to build a more comfortable future association because Mae’s gay ex-husband apparently wants to be included. 

What would happen if, Instead of asking her son to be the messenger, Mae talked directly to her ex-husband and took charge of the matter:  “You are welcome in my home on the condition that you come out to my daughters.  Then everyone in the family will stand on equal ground.  If you don’t tell the girls, I will do so myself and we will all be freed of the burden of lies.” 

Mae has no obligation to lie any longer.  This is not her secret to keep.  She is not required to hide the truth from her daughters any longer, particularly since her ex-husband came out to their son.  Though taking a stand may stir initial anger or hurt feelings, clinging to the lie will most certainly harm Mae’s future relationship with her daughters and could damage her own mental and emotional health.

Truth frees.  Secrecy imprisons.  Mae can choose to walk out of her own closet of secrecy and breathe the fresh air of truth. 

Sincere wishes for the best outcome for all.

Carol

 

 

 

Healing is a Choice

My world crashed around me. 

The rug was pulled out.      

Trust evaporated. 

I thought my life was over.

    These are familiar messages on this blog, desperate cries for help from straight spouses whose mates have revealed that they are gay.  It seems like the worst possible news, especially when the revelation is abrupt and unexpected.

    To everyone’s surprise, the world does not actually end.  Both partners begin their progression through stages of recovery that are relatively predictable (described elsewhere on this blog).  There’s no instant cure.  Healing takes time, and sooner or later they wonder if their suffering will ever end and if they can ever be happy again.  The answer to both those questions is a resounding YES.

    Healing and happiness are definitely achievable, but they are not automatic.  Just as physical exercise strengthens our muscles and promotes wellness, mental exercises can change the way we see the world.  The event that seemed like a disaster can actually become the gateway to a better life, a second chance at greater joy.  How does this work?

    The process of healing is dependent upon our ability to change the way we look at experience.  It requires a shift of consciousness to let go of the painful past and move on.  Forgiveness is necessary for complete recovery.  Harboring resentment is, as Pema Chodron teaches, like eating rat poison and then expecting the rat to die.  As Wayne Dyer says, “It isn’t the snakebite that kills you, it’s the venom.”  Lingering anger is like a quiet cancer that destroys the person who carries it.

    Forgiveness is the antidote that is brings personal healing and resolution.  It is the final step in the stages of coping for straight spouses, but it is not a one-shot effort.  It is a process that begins with decision and intention and deepens with practice.  Here are some aids to forgiveness.

• Change your mind by changing your thoughts.  You have control of your thoughts.  John Milton wrote, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”  Make it a practice to focus on positive affirmations. 
• Relax as it is.  Change what you can; accept what you can’t change; know the difference.
• Try to put yourself in your gay mate’s place to understand motivations and actions.  This supports compassion for the offending person. 
• Separate the individual from the act.  You can reject hurtful actions without hating the actor.  This fosters charity.
• Make a fresh start.  Drop your story line and stop reliving past dramas.  Be here now.
• Own up to your role in the drama.  If you inflicted wounds, try to make amends.
• See this phase of your life as a teacher of lessons you needed to learn.  It is a doorway, not a disaster.  Open to the new opportunity it offers. 

    For straight spouses, a second chance at happiness is a genuine possibility.  Many well known people suffered failure and disappointment before trying again and succeeding.  Harry S. Truman was a middle-aged bankrupt haberdasher before he was elected President of the United States.  Steve Jobs was fired as CEO of Apple Corporation before he turned Pixar around and returned to Apple to guide the company’s starburst of i-everything.  Many straight spouses discover unexpected joy after they adjust to their new reality.  The measure of a successful person is not whether they suffer disappointment, but how they handle it. 

    Healing is possible.  Happiness is a choice.  You are in charge of your future and help is at hand.  Take the next step and walk into that future with confidence.