Stages of Recovery

    When my husband told me that he had "homosexual tendencies" and later filled in details of two decades of clandestine gay activities, I was awash in conflicting emotions.  Over many months, we worked to stay married and then to divorce with grace, and I was unknowingly following a predictable pattern of reactions as a straight spouse.

    When a married gay or lesbian comes out, certain stages of recovery may be expected.  These stages come and go and are often repeated.  Self-reports of more than 2,000 straight and gay spouses summarized the pattern in the publication Opening the Straight Spouse's Closet (PFLAG, 1994).  I  personally experienced them all.

    Typically, there's shock to learn that one's intimate partner has a different sexual orientation from your own.  Relief follows, as many unexplained details of the relationship become clear.  It is the "Ah, then it isn't me!" reaction.  Confusion is common, followed by denial of the reality of the situation.  Most people experience some self-blame: "What could I have done to prevent this?  Is it my fault that he's gay?"  In some cases, there is heart-felt sympathy for the anguish of the gay partner.  All these early reactions occur repeatedly, not necessarily in order--all with incredible intensity. 

    When it's clear there is no turning back, straight spouses face their new reality.  Stark awareness ushers in anger, grief, and despair.  This dangerous but necessary phase takes months or years to resolve.  Grief comes from the betrayal of trust, the loss of love, and the obliteration of future plans.  When straight spouses fully understand the health risks they've faced and the the depth of their loss, their anger can deepen into rage and despair.  If they remain in this stage, their chances for full recovery are slim. 

    Fortunately, most spouses reach a turning point, finding inner strength to begin healing.  This usually happens when they accept what they cannot change and move toward resolution.  When anger is replaced by forgiveness, trust and hope can be restored.  People who heal most successfully usually reinforce their own inner resources with some belief or meaning beyond themselves.  When they regard the whole experience as a teacher, not a disaster, they are able to move into the next phase of their lives, reconfiguring a happier future. 

    These stages of coping were reiterated dozens of times in the interviews I did for my books and documentary.  They are relatively predictable.  The best news is that we can navigate these stages and arrive safely on the other side of this life event--whole and wiser for the experience.

Comments

[eve stewart]

I don't know how to do this. I just found out last night that my husband is gay, or so he says. He's a sex addict and has off/on watched gay porn to masturbate to. We've known each other for 5 years, and have been married 18 mos. I've tried to be open-minded with him (he was molested as a child and identified himself a gay as a teen), he always told me was bi- , which was difficult enough. But, last night he said he was gay when I found him locked in our office masturbating to gay porn. He's been in counseling for almost 10 years to deal with other issues, such as having been on probation for being a registered sex offender when his dtr was age 12. She's 32 now and agrees what happened to him was overblown, but he's still a RSO. His boundaries are very poor as a result of the molestation and has anger problems which have become worse since he became addicted to playing games on internet.....40-50 hrs. He justifies this by saying it's better than being out at night.

I'm considering divorce as we have no marriage, but I was willing to be roommates if possible. But, now with his openly saying he is gay, I know there is no hope. Or, he may just be very confused about his sexuality, but our sex life is "O" since I moved here to his town 2-1/2 years ago. That was OK, too, but now I can see why he has no sex drive, or desire to be intimate. He's also diabetic so has ED as well.

Any comments? Please?

[Carol Grever]

Dear Eve,
Your situation is indeed difficult and multi-layered. You have been watching the distance increase between you and your husband throughout your marriage. Depressing as it is, you "know there is no hope" for fundamental change. My advice is to take care of your own health and sanity, whatever that requires. Find someone you trust to confide in, join a support group, get qualified counseling, and chart your own path toward fulfillment. Ask yourself, "What's in this for me?" Follow your own wisdom to determine your best direction. Carol Grever

[Maureen]

I was with a man for 5 years, we never married but were deeply in love. We were both widowers, we knew each other for years before getting together after the death of our spouses. Our relationship was story book or so I thought. I knew he spent an unusual amout of time at his desk doing paperwork or on the computer. His time on the computer kept increasing about 2 years in to the relationship. I did some snooping one day when he was off playing golf and discovered he was a member on several gay mens websites, I was shocked and sickened. I managed to pull myself together, after all I was snooping. I did some creative detective work along with setting him up and discovered a person I didn't know. He had been meeting men when I was away visiting family. I finally confronted him, he denied everything , said he is bi-curious - I didn't know that was a classification - and had not had any sexual encounters just met men to chat. He promised to put it aside and did for quite awhile, things returned to normal. I began to notice a change in behavior and quickly realized he was back at it - I finally packed up and left - he denying it all to this day. I loved him with all of my heart and find it so hard to cope with what he did to me, to us, to our precious relationship. I hate him and everything he stands for, it was all a lie. I am so happy I live 5 states away from him so I don't have to watch him with the new woman in his life which I am sure he is doing the same thing. I wish I could just forget him and not wake up every single day with him on my mind. Trying to move forward happily.

[Carol Grever]

Maureen, your history with your former partner is unfortunately very familiar. You've gone through some of the classic stages of recovery but may be caught in the most dangerous stage of all--anger and despair. Waking up every day with this unattainable relationship on your mind blocks your own healing. I encourage you to seek professional counseling to help you let go of the past and reach toward a healthier, happier future. Hate is poison. It only harms the hater. If you can accept that which you cannot change and move toward forgiveness, you can indeed begin that new life you desire. My best wishes go with you.
Carol Grever

[Patricia van Wilkenberg]

Today, I feel mostly rage, disgust and condemnation for my former spouse. How could he have lied to me for all those years and how could I have trusted him so completely? At one time I thought he was the most honorable man I've ever met.

My thoughts about all men now are extremely negative and I see all of them as liars and creatures that can't be trusted. I want to get beyond this stage, but its so hard to move forward when I feel so much hate.

Patricia

[Carol Grever]

Patricia, the anger you feel is natural and is a recognizable stage nearly all straight spouses experience. In MY HUSBAND IS GAY, I called it "the black hole," because that's how it felt to me. I remember stretches when I felt utter despair and such deep rage that it frightened me. Know that you're not alone in this. At the same time, it's really important to talk about your feelings to someone you trust, a counselor perhaps, to keep the rage from poisoning the rest of your life. Try to remember that others have felt this way and have eventually gotten past it. There's a better life beyond. Best wishes to you!
Carol Grever

[Carol Grever]

Greta:
I really appreciate your comments and feel they'll be familiar to many of the readers of my blog. So many of us are years past "the big events" of discovery, separation, divorce, etc. My husband admitted his sexual orientation to me in 1991, so I've had time to get through all the stages of coping. You're in the rawest of those stages and I really understand your pain. I imagine that it is even worse when there is no honesty on the part of the gay spouse, adding more insult and frustration. My only comforting thought is that your present anger and hurt will ease with time and you can recreate a better life for the future. Don't give up on yourself. You can do this!
Carol Grever

[Josh Baker]

Dear Eve,

All I can tell you is it gets easier every day. My ex-wife informed me she was lesbian after 17 years of marriage and needless to say I was devastated. There was never a single moment that I questioned her sexual orientation during our marriage so our separation was more like a death than a divorce as there was none of the usual symptoms or problems associated with a divorce.

We have a child together who does not know about his Mom so that complicates matters further.

Just keep your head up and move forward. There is a better life out there for you. I am engaged to the most wonderful woman in the world and now look back at the pain of the termination my former marriage as a happy stepping stone in my life.

[Carol Grever]

Josh, your comment offers realistic hope for a silver lining for straight spouses after their struggle. Each stage of coping takes us one step nearer that happier future. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Carol Grever

[Cindy]

I have been married for 10 years, to a man I was in love with up until 3 years ago, When I found out that he had cheated on me with a man from the personal ads. I tried to forgive him because he has a history of molestation when he was a child. He Blames his thoughts, needs and actions on that. I care about him,over the years I have suggested and even dragged him to counseling to try and let him talk to someone. I have spent many nights talking with him, but he has a had time talking to me. I feel very angry that he won't get help even from me, I am very understanding and I don't hate him. I have decided that I choose not to be married to an un monogomous man, but I also will not hurt our children. So we will be living together as friends, Partners, and family. Until we have finances sorted out and our children are older. Really nothing has changed, except the fact that he may be doing his personal stuff and I may have a personal life that doesn't come home. Until the children are older. I have a 4 year old and 9 year old girl. They never saw us cuddly , and we have a huge bed, we can sleep that way. especially cuz of his sleep apnea too. It sounds weird, but our house is big enough for this situation. I also take care of his mom. I can't just stop, And father in law lives up stairs. when time comes and 1 passes , he will have the choice of the rooms. In the mean time. I can still run our business together,He can take the kids to school, I pick them up, and when I go to my second job at night, they will be watched by their dad. No changes needed. The only change is we will be more respectful to each other, and who's arms will i be in if I am way from the children, and What way he chooses to release his needs. I just Don't see any other way, And as long as the children are happy, and there is no verbal or physical abuse I think it is a wonderful idea, for the time being, Not permenant of course. Any other ideas?
I have had 3 years to get over this, but he said he wouldn't do it again, and we were even intimate, but 2 weeks ago he was in the personal ads again, so this had sealed the deal. I feel sad for him. He has issues and can't come to terms with or see anyone. I am totally here for him ,but he has really messed with my self esteem. So I have made this decision to gain back my sexuality. ANd help my life Partner ,father of my children, I just wish he appreciated my willingness to listen and help.
Another issue is that My husband doesn't really want to do this, he wants to continue to work on our marriage, but The bi sexual part heeps me saying no and the fact that he was in the personals again after promising not to. Has any body else been where I am?

[Cindy]

This is in response to Nancy. Do you know why he is on anti depressants? I know mine is partly for his sexual thoughts, being molested, and his strong guilt for feeling that way about men, that the catholic church he was brought up in was so against. And yes you could grow old as friends, but we have the right to feel good self esteem, why should we give up our sexuality , It is not our fault. And you don't have to take it all (money), you can take what you need to help raise your child and be in a good place. That way you know what you did was right, and not feel bad for the failing marriage. If he was impotent then the gay porn wouldn't help either.
So just remember it is not your fault, you deserve passion in your life. I myself don't want to feel dead inside. I will love again, and I deserve to be loved completely, From head to toe, inside and out, with out any doubt. And so do you. Won't it be nice to feel those butterflies again? I know I don't know it all, but These things I feel.

[Carol Grever]

The situation that Cindy describes, continuing to live with her husband with an "open marriage" agreement (either free to seek relationships outside the marriage) is one arrangement some couples choose. Creating an alternative informal contract like this may work because of needs of their small children or extended family, as in Cindy's case. The most important caution I would raise is the possibility of STDs or AIDS that can be brought home from casual liaisons. This applies to both partners. Two couples I interviewed chose this path. Neither had further sexual intimacy at home.
Carol Grever

[Cindy]

Well in regards to the casual liaisons, my intention is to date, but if something becomes special or I forsee a future building, The living situation may change. But with children, I would build a slow relationship, before introducing another possible spouse. And a divorce would have to take place. I no longer invite or accept sexual contact with my husband. The first time he cheated, I dragged him to the doctor to be tested for all STD's and was very upset, that he could have killed me or given me something. So what he does to himself now, is for him to deal with. I won't be put in that position again. So wish me luck, I hope I can prevent devestation in my children's lives atleast about this. But I am positive and I actually feel so relieved. I don't have that knot in my stomach, I 've been carrying for 3 years. Thanks for listening.

[Carol Grever]

Nancy, you've described so well the devastation of straight spouses who have just entered the closet with a gay mate. You are "drawn into this mess" and forced to lie to everyone, sometimes even to yourself. This is the most painful stage of despair and disappointment--what I called the "black hole" in MY HUSBAND IS GAY. Regardless of your husband's attitude, this is not your fault. You have nothing to do with his being gay, and even if you were Miss America, he would not be attracted to you. You're the wrong gender! Though your pain is hard to endure, it won't last forever. The situation will evolve and change; you will evolve and change; you will take one step after another and find your own unique answers to this challenge. Find a counselor or friend in whom to confide. Talk it out and listen for your own answers. Others have been through this with the same dilemmas and have somehow survived. You can do it too. Take care of yourself.
Best wishes!
Carol Grever

[Cindy]

NANCY, I HAVE FELT YOUR PAIN! PLEASE BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART THAT IT WILL GET BETTER. I know there is anger, because my husband would be a jerk and I wouldn't know why. Just remember it isn't your fault. I was in the black hole, I am surrounded by my husbands family. I finally had to confide in my best friend. She helps me. I have no time for therapy, so I am glad you do. I remember the pain and knots in my stomack, like a hang over , or too much whiskey that wouldn't go away and my stomack would burn. A day after I found out, We were packing for a family camping trip, that I thought would be romantic too. I couldn't cancel it, cuz the kids were so excited, there were other friends there, I had to hide all the pain, and pretend I was okay. So i know some of your pain. The only advice I can give you, is it will take time, but eventually you will have to find a way,or recognize that , you deserve better. Even if you stay for a while, to make your mind, body and sole recoup, you will find love again. As soon as you accept that he is not the one for you and you must go on, it will click. I feel great now. But I am afraid that as soon as he notices I maybe looking for a relationship, he may get upset. But I told him to stop being selfish, and let me love and be loved again. Let's just raise our children as goodfriends.
So my journey is still a mystery, Good luck Nancy give your self some courage, and you will survive. I wish we could talk in person.

[OzJenni]

I have loved trawling through the posts and comments on this blog recently. My situation seems to be a little different in that I 'outed' my husband after 10 years of marriage and finding information that I just could not ignore or explain away any longer. He denied it for a while then eventually confessed to having homosexual relationships during our entire marriage. We have two beautiful daughters (now 6 and 8) and we separated (at my request) in Oct 08. My husband still wears his wedding ring and is still waiting for me to take him back. He's still denying that he is continuing in these affairs, even though I have talked to him about the evidence I had that he was still doing it. I just can't get him to understand this, but I actually just want for him to be happy with who he is. I want him to discover who he really is and then be at peace with that man. If he's gay/bi or whatever other labels are out there, I don't really care. I just want him to be true to himself. There have already been so many lies and deceptions I would like to know that there is truth in who he is now. He doesn't seem capable of resting in that. We are both Christians and have always believed homosexuality is a sin to be forgiven. I am now very challenged in that, and yes, I have read the comments here about the biblical stuff. I actually just don't know anymore. I know that Jesus loves us all. I read The Shack after we separated and that helped me enormously to see how God loves each of us especially.
I struggle with him not wanting to let go of our marriage. I consider that there was nothing true or honest in our marriage and if we don't have a foundation of trust and honesty then we have nothing. His therapist has told me that my husband did truly love me and that his feelings for me were (and are) genuine and real. I can't quite accept that yet.
The pattern described here by you, Carol, is quite true to form for me (at least the bits that I'm up to anyway). I still spend a lot of time wondering what did I do wrong? I'm an intelligent, articulate and discerning woman so why did I not see this before we got married? or even in the early years of our marriage? It seems there may not be answers for my questions and somehow I have to be at peace with that.
My husband had seen psychologists a number of times for different reasons and none of them (to my knowledge) had realised, or noted, that he was involved in homosexual relationships.
My husband says he's not gay, that he just needs the physical contact that he gets from these liaisons.... I watched the Ted Haggard interview on Oprah and there are just so many similarities it was almost comical.
I think my big struggle is with closure - because he still won't say that he's gay (or bi) I find it hard to move on. Many people in our lives don't know the truth of our breakdown as he's telling people that he's 'been unfaithful' and I've left him. That is true, but it isn't the Truth. He has a real problem with telling the Truth.
Enough of me for now, I'm sure you'll see my name pop up every now and then - I really appreciate the honesty in the comments on this blog. It's great for people to disagree with each other and still care about each other. Thanks for being here.

[Cindy]

my story is so similar to Jenni's, But I am so mad at my husband right now, I have a feeling that he is going to start being jealous if he thinks I am out doing stuff. And that will be what breaks my plan. I am not going to be intimate with him any more. He has been told that, And so what , he thinks I am going to just be dead physically? I think whe he gets horny he will try something on me and I will re explain to him, and that may be a problem. He is very selfish in this way. It really sucks because he is a caring great person, And I do want him to know who he is, and not lie or try to cover up. I just can't be his booty call. I want to be alone and maybe date alittle right now. So the story goes on. By the way like jenni , mine won't admit he is gay, but he says bi. I don't even care. He screwed up with me, I probably would have tried to work it out if he didn't cheat. Nah I don't want to him to fantasize about men while with me. That would degrade me.
Blah blah, I m just in a mood today. I can't always be positive. I hope people will still write, I wish I could talk to these people on the phone sometime. Or people would ask questions, so we could help each other.

[Carol Grever]

Hello again! This blog has been online for only a few months, but at last it is beginning to serve its intended purpose: A virtual peer support group! The conversations that are developing are extremely beneficial for people trying to understand what has happened to them. The rug has been pulled out, you've lost your balance, and someone, finally, is here to break your fall. Though each straight spouse has to find his or her personal solutions, it helps immensely to have company along the way. Please keep visiting this site to carry on the conversation. Browse the other articles and see what you find, both in the content and the comments. Also check the resources on my main Website, http://wwwcarolgrever.com You are all welcome on both sites!
Carol Grever

[Cindy]

Doesn't it really piss you off, how these guys are so selfish, Really, We are pretty understanding, and yet they continue to blame us for pitally stuff. Mine likes to say I spend too much money, Right after I say lets work as a team, save money and just do everything right now. Religious beliefs or not All the women are trying to do what is best for all, and the men are just thinking about them selves. I wish my guy would just really man up and accept his sexuality and not pretend everything was okay. Well I guess us girls are moody and venting this week must be the allergies.

[Cindy]

Sorry some of my last blog didn't make sense, I have a migrane and i miss worded a big sentance, so please dis regard my poor wording , I think I was trying to say that we are pretty good people for trying to do what is best for everyone, unlike the selfish guys involved, I do feel bad for their confussion, but they sometimes pull out the poor me card, to use against us. It is not right.'

[OzJenni]

Reading the posts from today has made me laugh a bit - it would seem there must a full moon or something! or we've all been taking grumpy pills lol.
I am angry at my husband, but I do understand (in my more lucid moments) that he is very wounded and has lots of issues to work through. Yes, I'm angry that he's involved me in all this but I know he has really huge issues to work through. I have a feeling I can play a key role in his healing. I'm not really sure how, and I don't even really feel like I want to. He has asked me to go to a support group meeting to help families of addicts. I kind of want to go, to get some understanding and help for myself. But I don't want to go because somehow (I know this is probably a bit weird) I'm scared that I'm going to feel compassion on him, or I'll actually truly forgive him and then I'll want to take him back! How is it that this is so complicated, when it seemed to be so simple a few months ago - he lied and cheated and deceived me, I left him. Simple. But it's really not simple.

[Cindy]

Hey NANCY, YOU CAN DO IT ! ASK US QUESTIONS AND MAYBE OUR RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS MAY HELP YOU WORK IT OUT IN YOUR HEAD. EVEN IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH US, OR ME, YOUR REACTIONS TO OUR ORDEALS MAY HELP YOU FIND YOUR WAY.
JEN I understand the feeling of wanting to go to help him, Mine won't even go get help. He won't talk to any one. Unless I drag it out of him. And I am so drained. Plus I feel like he could have avoided so much of my pain, by talking to me years ago. It changes you after being cheated on and deceived. And it makes you doubt your self even more huh? What upsets me is that I have understood him, I even said I am so sorry that he is faced with himself , soo much confusion. But there comes a time where we need the compasion, and someone to respect us and most of all love us. I know you ladies probably like the feeling of venting with out strings, I understand, but if you want to talk person to person, I wouldn't mind talking to a human, but still blog, cuz I was very thank ful to find this site, anyways, If you want please e mail me directly too if you want. @ cindyskaraoke@astound.net. If not I understand, and I will continue to vent here too. I just feel like I need to talk to someone at least on the phone. Anyways.
My husband and I have been watching TV next to each other as we always do, It is like nothing has changed. I feel bad cuz I just know he is going to get aroused one night and try to get a "booty" call and I will turn him down and he will get depressed, I am mad already cuz I feel like he truly doesn't get it.He just walked in, and asked what I was doing and looking at , and I told him he didn't want to know, Then I told him that people are writing stuff about the same situation that we are in, and he said , well you were right.
Isn't that great? He just walked out of the room to smoke, and away from the issues. He just doesn't want to confront it. That is so frustrating. He's gonna go in and go to bed now and ignore what had been said. This is why it is easy for me to think about meeting others and falling in love again. I have been sick for a week and he has had to do all the scheduling in our company, which I normally do, and he has been messing up, So i hope he realizes that our business needs me to do it. See we don't normally fight, He just walks away. He is a good person, but boy I lost so much respect because of the way he handles issues, and his sexuality.
I don't disrespect him for having thoughts or wanting men, My brother is gay, I t doesn't bother me, But my brother lives his life and doesn't pretend. I sware my husband is waitng for his parents to die and then he will probably run away and start a new life,It makes me mad.\
I so want this living situation to work for a while. If he would just think about his family first, and just work as a team with me.
I hurt for almost a year with no one to talk this over with. I couldn't tell my mom, I told her that he cheated, and OH MY GOD, She said , well honey sometimes people work through it. AHHH! I was so apaulled. I was like how can you say this, wow. I AM NOT A VICTIM. I REFUSE!
So my life was turned upside down and I doubted everything I thought and felt. But it gets better, I just accepted that he is what he is, And what he is , is confused and he doesn't really know. I can't reallt truely help him, so I have to help myself. Sometimes there are people who can't help themselves and they make their own lives harder than they have to be.. That would be his family, they either stick their head in the sand, or cry victim. or give up. I refuse to be that. I have *hit to do, I have to raise my kids, and make sure that they have compassion, love, honesty and education.
They need to have a good head on their shoulders so if something like this ever happens to them , They will not crumble or give up. I guess I have rattled off enough, I sincerely hope that some one idetifies with me on some level, I like to think I am a good person, and I hope I can help someone, or someone can Talk me through this too. I just kinda feel like a know it all pro at this, I have been dealing with this for so long. So I am sorry if I come off like that. Good luck ladies, another day another dollar, to save, so we can escape.

[Carol Grever]

These last few comments illustrate so well the value of a peer support group as a sounding board. Look for Straight Spouse Network or PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays) to see if a chapter is active in your town. If not, please find someone to confide in on a personal level--a counselor or pastor or friend or relative. After this rage stage is past, more clarity comes, but it helps immensely to talk through your feelings. Though it seems impossible right now, you will survive and see your path more clearly. It just takes time.
Carol Grever

[Carol Grever]

If you haven't seen the post called "The Fight Inside Me," it may speak to your current feelings. It was posted in March and is in the Tips for Recovery category.

Carol Grever

[Jenni]

Hi Nancy (and others.....)
It is a real struggle when it is so hard for them to admit that they aren't what they (we) thought they were in terms of sexuality. I'm absolutely convinced that once that can admit it then the-dealing-with-it will be easier.
I know that at some point I (we all) have to accept that our husband's actions are their responsibility completely. There is nothing we could have done to change it or prevent it. Like Carol has said, this was a timebomb waiting to go off. We can't take responsibility for someone else's actions - especially in the area of sexual orientation. The double-edge for us though is that we have to learn how to let go of them, and also deal with the grief of a lost marriage, hopes, dreams, plans, best friend, etc. The best (and only) advice I can give you is to try and work through the grief, and anger is certainly a very important stage of grief. One of our struggles is to remember that this anger is a stage of grief, and not the destination of grief. We need to work through it (which does take time) and then move on..... One day we will be able to remember without being angry. I am absolutely confident of that. We are amazing, strong women who have an incredible journey ahead of us. I'm all the way over in Australia but I know I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you girls (and guys) marching forward to a new life of honesty and truth and most importantly, peace. WE CAN DO IT and especially if we accept support from each other we can do it victoriously.
I think I should be in politics with a speech like that! (lol)
My thoughts, and prayers, are with you Nancy. Hang in there one day at a time and it will get better. If it doesn't, come to Australia for a holiday and I'll make sure it gets better for you! Lots of sun.....we're supposed to be in the middle of autumn but today was still 32C (91.4F).
Catch you soon,
Jenni
ps - Carol, I'm trying to find some kind of support network in Australia but not having much luck. Do you know of any? Thanks.